Letting Go

I have a really hard time with goodbyes.

It was hard to leave my friends and family when I moved to Oregon.

It was hard to leave new friends and colleagues when I moved to Germany.

Now, again, I have to leave.

As the school year comes to a close, I will be seeing lots of students that I have worked with all year for the last time. This is really hard. When you work with kids that have special needs and challenges, whether they struggle academically, socially, physically, or cognitively, it is amazing how strong bonds can become. You put so much of yourself into helping them achieve and fit in and worry so much about how they are doing, it is really hard to let go.

I have been working with one high school student since November and I could cry just thinking about how much progress he has made. When I first met him, he barely talked to me because he was so shy and quiet. Now, because we have spent so much time in class together, he trusts me, smiles at me, and even kids around with me. He has a lot of room for growth in many areas, yet I am so proud of the progress he has made.

Last week his math teacher informed the class that they could do a short presentation on a famous mathematician "just for fun." I turned to my student, who has a lot of anxiety in social situations and doesn't exactly have a lot of confidence when interacting with peers, curious what he would think about this kind of presentation. Since he also has some trouble understanding language at times, I wanted to make sure he was clear on what the teacher had said.

Do you understand that you don't have to do this project?

Yes


And do you realize that if you do it, you will have to get up in front of the whole class and talk about your topic for ten minutes?


Yes.


And how do you feel about that?


I think I should give it a go.

Eight words that made my heart soar. This is no longer the same kid I met. Of course he was still nervous about the presentation, yet he still chose to "give it a go." I felt so proud of him!

Yesterday we got to see a few of his classmates present their projects then we worked on his during the last period of the day. I asked him which presentation he liked and he said that he preferred the one that used a power point presentation so that is what he wanted to do. He had selected to report on Stephen Hawking, which I think is filled with all kinds of irony because he also struggled in school when he was younger and he also has challenges with communicating. He was pretty good at putting together his slide show and after finishing up today, he had 9 slides ready to go. When it was time for math class, I realized there was a schedule change and the students who are normally in class with him were not there and other 8th graders were there instead. The kids he is used to taking class with would be joining for the second block.

I realized, either he could present this project in front of kids who he didn't know very well (which I anticipated would be pretty nerve-wracking for him) and have me there.

Or, he could wait and present it for the kids who are normally in his class, but I would not be able to stay because I had to sub for grade 5 math.

I cannot even tell you how pumped up I was to see him get up at the front of the room and present all by himself, but I knew that it wouldn't be fair to have him do it during the first period just so I could be there.I told him that he could make the choice between presenting to the kids he was more familiar with or having me there during his presentation.

He chose to present to the kids he knows better.

I didn't get to see it.

Although I was bummed out, I realized, he was comfortable enough to do this without me. That is the true mark of success in my area. When the student no longer needs you, you have done your job and it's truly cause for celebration even though it's hard to let go. I probably could have asked my HOD to switch places with me for the duration of his presentation so I could watch, but I felt like it was appropriate to let him have his independence.


Today was my last day working with this student because he will on a class trip all next week. Saying goodbye to a high school boy is not like saying goodbye to a room full of first graders with the tight squeezes and exuberant love. I decided that the best way to say goodbye was in a note. I wrote him a letter last night telling him how much I enjoyed working with him this year and how much improvement I have seen. I wished him well for next year. I feel corny having just left this note on the table in a flowery envelope with his name on it, but I have this raw emotion when it comes to my students and I am used to working with little kids who express themselves freely. From working with this student, I know he would not have been comfortable with a hug. Maybe a handshake, but that seems stiff and formal. So, I left a note.

I returned to his math classroom when I was done subbing and asked how his presentation went. He smiled and said it went great. I wish I could have seen it. I wish I could have witnessed it firsthand. I would have loved to be able to sit in the audience just in case he needed an encouraging smile, or some support, or some help getting back on track if he forgot what to say. I would have loved to be there if he needed me.

But he didn't...

He did great.

On his own.

and I guess that means I did good too...